I need to talk, but I've nobody to talk to. I just feel like I'm tired of everything all the time. I don't feel like anything. I look around and all I see looks too familiar and old. It makes me want to just sit or lay down and don't move ever again. I want to write the story. I do... but I stare at the computer screen and I don't feel like doing it. I don't feel that impulse anymore. I've got it all in my head and it's not that I have the writer's block. I know the story I want to write, but I don't feel like sitting up tight and typing it. I need to go to the US this September. If I can't, I don't know what will become of me. I'm already dry and empty inside and going there is the only thing I really look forward to. Well, Sharon's concert on my birthday is an amazing thing and I do feel blessed to finally have the chance to attend, but it doesn't feel as real as getting in that plane. I guess it is just because I haven't been thinking about it as something that could actually happen for as long. It just doesn't feel real yet. I know it should be the other way around, you know, because I do have the tickets for the concert, while I don't even have enough money to travel yet. I hate being here. Each new day I can stand it less. My family is fine and everything is okay, but I think the stability is too much. It's killing whatever it was that used to make me fight a little for my future every day. I don't feel anything much when I'm around them. And my head... I'm not an English native speaker. I'm not. So why can I only think in English? Every day I'm more and more convinced that I don't belong here. Or in Barcelona, for that matter. I think I might only like going to university because it gives me something to do. It's like a distraction. Again, it has nothing to do with the people. The people are great. It's me.
(R)
